The Entertainer

"That's the way it's going to be now," Margie told me as we left the nursing home on Saturday. Fay was very sleepy on Saturday afternoon. I think she slept most of the time we were there. She had a lot of trouble with her ice cream (the usual Saturday afternoon ice cream party, sing-along and trivia contest). Since it was a warm fall day, we took Fay outside on the patio for some fresh air. We were also able to let her talk to Wendy on the phone, which was a reasonably successful conversation. But for most of our visit, Fay just drifted in and out of sleep.

The next day I went back to Courtland Gardens. It was a beautiful day and I thought maybe we could go into the courtyard for a longer stay. When I arrived, however, Fay was sitting front and center for a musical program. She didn't want to leave (who could blame her? see and hear for yourself). We sang along and had a pretty good time for about 45 minutes. Then Fay asked me to take her back to her room. We watched the Ravens struggle against the Bengals. Football seemed to really catch her attention. It was reassuring to see her a little more alert than the day before.

Where Did The Time Go?

We like to bring an activity with us when we visit Fay. This weekend we dropped by on both Saturday and Sunday. Saturday was ice cream and trivia. Fay and I went back to her room (it was nasty weather) and read through the Baltimore Jewish Times. There was an article on the most popular Jewish-themed mask for Halloween (it's a Bernie Madoff mask) and a long story about Topol, who at 72 is reprising his role as Tevya in a tour of "Fiddler on the Roof" that is coming to Baltimore. The Bernie Madoff story went over Fay's head, but I think she had some recollection of "Fiddler." My mom has a thing for older Jewish men with beards.

On Sunday we brought the album of photo proofs from Margie's and my wedding.


We (at least Margie and I) had quite a time looking back 41 years. To put things in perspective, Fay is 15 years younger than I am now in this picture. I was 45 pounds lighter than I am now. Margie looks pretty much the same.

We showed my mom photos of her nieces and nephews, her brother and sisters, and some others she seemed to remember. It's hard to know what Fay understood but she said that she knew who everyone was. It was the most responsive we have seen her in several weeks. Who knows? Maybe we'll bring my bar mitzvah album next week.

Communication

It's been some time since I've made a report. Actually, there's not much to say these days. Our visits with Fay are falling into a routine of sorts. Fay is usually at an activity when we arrive. If it's Saturday, she's at the trivia and ice cream social. The volunteers seem to understand that Fay needs sugar free ice cream. Most of the time Fay is feeding herself, although when she sees us she wants us to help, even feed her. Some days she seems very drowsy. Other times she is fairly alert.

The biggest change is that Fay can no longer have a conversation. She is unable to complete a sentence, even when you try to prompt her for the words she seems to be searching for. I actually think the situation is more frustrating for us than for her. When Fay forgets what she starts to say (which is just about always) she just settles back and smiles. She can't really answer questions, except for "yes" or "no," and those responses often are random and inconsistent with the answer we are expecting.

So we bring pictures to look at or go over the photo albums she has in her cabinet. Reading the Baltimore Jewish Times is another good activity. It comes out weekly and there are sometimes funny stories. If we laugh, Fay laughs. Margie buys her new clothes - tops appropriate for the season and slacks to replace the ones that seem to vanish occasionally. Fay likes that and is happy about the presents.

I try to be thankful that Fay seems to be comfortable and not anxious. The changes we are seeing are inevitable, say the medical staff.

An Afternoon in the Sukkah

Saturday was the first day of Sukkot. Courtland Gardens (despite it's name change) still put their sukkah up on the patio. It was a lovely, sunny fall day so we got to spend some time in the sukkah. The decorations were pretty special. I think the plastic fruit industry has discovered the holiday because this sukkah was decorated with strings of fruit, including etrogim!

We tried to get Fay to remember if her father had built a sukkah when she was a little girl. First she said no; then she said yes. We guess there must have been a sukkah on Macmillan Avenue. At least one.

We think Fay must have gone to the kiddush in the sukkah after services on Saturday, but she couldn't remember. Fay's memory is pretty spotty lately. The biggest problem is that she has a hard time expressing herself, so we never really know what she's thinking or if she wants to tell us something.

But, despite all that, she remains in pretty good spirits. Wendy and Misha and Simon will be visiting us for Thanksgiving, so that will be another opportunity for Fay to connect,

Sounds of the Season

I made my usual Saturday visit, this one being the one between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. Fay was in the dining room, waiting for the trivia contest to start. Since the normal Shabbat afternoon entertainer has been out recovering from knee replacement, there is a new crew. The joke lady (whom I mentioned earlier) does the contest and another couple serves the ice cream. Although Fay wears a bright orange bracelet that identifies her as having diabetes, she was sitting with a huge double-dip of strawberry and vanilla when I arrived. I switched it out for sugar free chocolate. I assume this was a rare slip. Peter, the nurse on the Saturday swing shift, seems prepared for the blood glucose spikes of the diabetic residents on Saturday evening.

I showed Fay the pictures we took when Margie and I were in New Jersey and New York for Rosh Hashana. She got a kick out of seeing Alice and Simon, who are growing up fast. The playground pictures were a big hit. I reminded Fay that Sarah is pregnant, expecting a little boy in February. Fay was mildly confused about that news, but we'll keep reinforcing it.

The one image that seemed to break through the fog was a short video of Evan blowing his shofar. Evan is the baal tekiyah at a new congregation starting in Jackson Heights. He brought his shofar to Wendy's to entertain Simon and Alice when Wendy had everyone over for a Holiday meal. If you look closely you can see Alice hiding behind Evan and Wendy's dog trying to escape.

Family Ties

Fay's condition continues to be fairly steady. In early September Margie and I took a vacation to Canada. We stopped by Courtland Gardens after we landed in Baltimore on September 8. Fay was getting her hair done when we arrived. The hair stylist at Courtland Gardens seems pretty good. Fay's hair looks more natural and is missing the trademark hairspray helmet that characterized her appearance for a long time. We had a couple of laughs with the hair lady and then went to Fay's room for a chat.

Since this was a weekday, we also got a visit from the nurse practitioner who takes care of Fay. She had some encouraging things to say. Fay was happy about the "good report."

We looked through the "Monthly Monitor," the monthly news letter of Courtland Gardens. One of the articles was about "Fun with Foods" on Rosh Hashanah.

There was a description of a custom to head symbolic foods that, often through puns, are connected to wishes that we have for the new year. The first time I had heard of this custom was when Misha's sister Julia brought a whole selection of foods to Wendy and Misha's house for a Rosh Hashana lunch. We had a good time sampling the foods and saying the customary petitions for our new year wishes. The article above gives a short explanation of this custom, as well as some modern, English-based, food wishes. For example, you can eat squash and say "may bad luck be squashed."

Another (maybe more) interesting family tie occurred on Saturday during my visit. There was a voice message on Fay's telephone from her great-niece Sherry Schucart, who lives in upstate New York. Sherry is Fay's sister's grand-daughter (yes, the same sister who shares the name of Fay's room mate, Rebecca Wolfe). I called Sherry back and let her talk to Fay. That was a rather unsatisfactory conversation. Fay said hello, Sherry said something, then Fay sat quietly for a few minutes and Sherry apparently hung up. I called her back. "Is Aunt Fay ok?" she asked. I explained the situation and Sherry and I caught up on some things. Sherry had heard that Fay had moved to Baltimore when my cousin Shelly (Rebecca Wolfe's son-in-law) called his niece Sherry to tell her that Fay's sister Mary had died. So Sherry called Fay to offer condolences. I think that message got lost in translation.

Sherry and her sisters are best remembered in our family for their visit to Wendy's bat mitzvah, 24 years ago. My cousin Evelyn and her husband and their 4 daughters and two sons-in-law all came to celebrate with us. Our recollection, confirmed by the photos, is that they topped the list of celebrants, dancing, laughing and having a good old time. Evelyn and her husband have sadly passed away and we have only very infrequent contact with their children. But we have that one event to remember sharing family celebrations.

Finally Setting In? We Can Hope.

It's been 5 1/2 months since Fay moved to Baltimore and Courland Gardens. We expected some difficulties with the transition, and there were more than a few. As I mentioned earlier in this blog, Fay was abusive at times to the staff and some of the residents. She had her share of infections and other acute illnesses. I used to get called once or twice a week with a report about her behavior, blood sugar, bruise, or other problem.

But lately things have been more stable. Fay has settled in to her new environment and seem less anxious about her new surroundings. Wendy thinks it's to her advantage that her default operating condition is to be pleasant and outgoing. So even though Fay doesn't recognize her caregivers or the residents she is around every day, she still calls them "honey" or "my dear friend" and tells each of the staff that she loves them and how pretty they look. Much more Fay-like.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what it must be like to live without memory. I was visiting Fay on Thursday, the day that Ted Kennedy died. Fay didn't know who Ted was, nor did she remember JFK or RFK. The pictures on the TV spurred no memory. So she lives her life almost completely context free. Nothing that happens in the world at large makes any difference to her. Imagine what it must be like not to be able to anticipate a visit or special occasion. If you can't remember that someone is coming to visit, you can't be excited about the prospect. Of course, you also aren't alarmed when you hear that something is going to change for a short period of time, because you don't remember the details of the change ten minutes after you're told.

Maybe this is what people mean when they compare people with dementia to small children. Each day is the same because you don't know what's going to happen and someone else makes all the decisions for what you do and when. For example, on Thursday I stayed until someone came to take Fay to dinner. "You must be hungry, Fay. I know I am," the aid said. "I sure am, honey," said Fay. "Well then let's get you up and into the dining room." I kissed Fay goodbye and the three of us left her room. "Are you going to tell me where we're going?" said Fay to the aid.