The Family Circle Club

Fay is always saying, "I love my family." This is not just idle talk. It is hard to overstate how important family has been to her all her life. In her extended family, the distinction between cousins and brothers and sisters, or parents and aunts and uncles often blurred.

I came across a tattered old notebook the other day that contained minutes and other artifacts from the Family Circle Club of the Tepper and Feder families. "The welfare of the family first" was the motto on the club's official stationery. The minute cover the period from 1956 to 1961, more heavily weighted towards the earlier days in this time frame. We took the book to Fay yesterday and read through some of the papers. We had a great time thinking back to the time when you could throw a banquet for 25 people, including flowers, favors, liquor, and food for less than $150.

The Family Circle Club had about 25 active members. They met monthly at the home of one of the members, usually starting late often after 8:30. Margie and I speculate that people in those days worked long hours, even on the weekend. I know, for example, that my father, who was a pharmacist, often worked weekends and late into the evening.

The business of the club included how to spend the money they collected (usually donated to a yeshiva in Israel to commemorate a yahrtzeit). Most of the time, as dutifully recorded by Fay in typed minutes, was spent on procedural issues and planning the next social activity. One exchange is particularly illustrative of the personalities involved. The montly dues were $1.50 per family. Fay's sister Mary that amount was too high and moved that the dues be lowered to $1/mo. A large debate ensued until my father, Phil, moved to table the motion. My dad was not big on rancor or pointless argument. Phil's motion passed with the provision added by my Uncle Hy that this issue be the first order of business at the next meeting. Hy was big on organizational dynamics and would have loved the debate (unless it moved in a direction that he opposed). Fay's brother-in-law Nat Solomon, apparently worried that the treasury could take a large hit in the future, made his own motion that they collect three months' dues at this meeting, thereby nullifying Mary's motion. The members saw through this trick, apparently, because the motion died for want of a second.

The club ran out of steam in the late '50s. In an attempt to attract the next generation, my cousin Irwin was elected the next president. My sense from reading the minutes and looking at the flyers (see above) is that Irwin was the connector who kept the club together and his wife Roz planned or herself catered most of the activities. So it is with organizations; the work is rarely shared uniformly.

A Digression - The Recipe File

Our son Evan suggested that we share some stories about Fay from her younger days. Here's a short vignette that reaches back to ancient history, before e-mail and cell phones, when people communicated mostly by mail and once in a while (on special occasion) by long distance telephone.

Margie was cleaning up her recipes the other day. The recipes she had collected after 40 years of marriage were stored in a ragged three ring binder that used to be organized by type of food. Lately the material was just tucked away with less attention to the type of recipe or food group. In a burst of creativity and energy, Margie bought a new binder, some file separators, and some pocket dividers. Then she organized her recipes, throwing out the ones that she didn't like or didn't plan on making. In the pile of recipes to keep were several 3 x 5 index cards from the mid '70s that Fay had sent her. The one above is for Passover cookies that Margie has made from time to time. Some of the recipes came with letters, handwritten early in the morning from Fay's office at St. Louis Shower Door, or perhaps Cooper Window Replacement Company.

The notes accompanying the recipes usually had a comment about how Fay was tired (the more things change, the more they stay the same) and some news about her life. These recipes were sent a few years after my dad had passed away and before she married her second husband, Charlie. Fay was involved with her friends and club work at the time, including taking a Dale Carnegie course. We kept in touch mainly through letters and a weekly phone call. It's hard to appreciate the importance of taking the time to write out recipes and mail them in these days of instant communication and feedback.

We shared some of these recipes and letters with Fay the other day. She was happy to see them and was proud of her handwriting (which is pretty good, you must admit).

More stories as I think of them.

A Little Ferblunged

I think we may have woken Fay when we arrived on Saturday afternoon. She was sitting in the dining room, waiting for the ice cream social and trivia quiz, but she was probably asleep. She was happy to see us because she "needed to discuss some things with us." We went to her room and Fay seemed disturbed. She had a lot of trouble verbalizing what was on her mind - we think it may have been the continuing saga of room-mate Rebecca's frequent trips to the bathroom.

We went to the sun room to chat and have ice cream. Fay asked us if she had left anything that she needed on Macmillan Avenue (where she lived as a child and teenager). Her conversation was definitely garbled today. Maybe because she was sleeping when we arrived.

We skipped fingernail polishing because the manicurist at the nursing home had already fixed her nails with a bright red-orange polish. Margie showed Fay some pictures (duplicates of the ones on her wall) and Fay was very excited to see great-grandson Simon's picture as well as some of great-granddaughter Alice. Fay gave Simon one of her highest compliments: "he looks like a schaigetz."

Since we are going to see Wendy over the Memorial Day holiday, I'll try to stop by on one or two afternoons this coming week.

Mother's Day Part II

Since today was the real Mother's Day, I decided to drop by Courtland Gardens and see what was up. I got to the nursing home about 10:00, and Fay was still getting ready. It turns out that the staff were setting up for a Mother's Day brunch. So Fay and I got to have a good visit as well as brunch set up in the dining room, the sun room, and on the patio. We ate on the patio.

Made to order omelets, fruit, cheese, bagels, coffee and tea. The process was supposed to be that guests got their own food and the staff brought food for the residents. That process was supposed to ensure that the residents got food appropriate for their special, individualized diets. I as well as most other guests failed to follow directions and brought our mothers their own food. Staff came by and inspected our choices. I think I passed.

Each mother also got a carnation. I put Fay's and room-mate Rebecca's flowers in vases in their room. Rebecca is eating next to Fay in the picture above.

It was a beautiful day, and eating on the patio was pleasant. We also got phone calls from Margie (who was enjoying her morning walking with friends and dogs around the lake near our house) and Wendy.

Other features of the brunch were special music (I think it was Rudy Valee recordings) special flowers on the tables, and festive decorations that would have been more appropriate for Cinco de Mayo.

Mother's Day, Part I

It was a little longer between visits this week. We stopped by on Friday, May 1 on our way to New Jersey to visit our kids and see a play by good friend Mike Goldfinger's daughter-in-law Jackie. Mike describes the play as "off Broadway," but "off off-Broadway" may be more accurate. Anyway, the play was very, very good and we had a fun (if short and rainy) weekend.

On that Friday, Fay was in a particularly cranky mood. We tried to reassure her and calm her down. Since they keep unplugging her phone to hook up her nebulizer, we couldn't check on her directly until our visit on Saturday, May 8. We found her in a good mood, laughing at everything, telling all the staff and care-givers who we are and that she loves them. We brought some presents, including an extra plug so that the phone can stay plugged in.

Fay had received some Mother's Day cards. The clip above is her public "thank you." Jessica Fadem's was the most original. It was supposed to be a recording of her voice, but unfortunately the electronics were damaged in the mail and all we heard was a male voice giving instructions for recording. We had a good laugh and it was a good opportunity to remember Jess and Harold, Sarah, Michael and Justin as well as the other neices and nephews.

We have our regular cadre of other visitors on Saturday. There is the religious woman who comes with her children for the mitzvah of bikkur cholim, visiting the sick. I think I mentioned that her grandmother owned the Evergreen nursing home in St. Louis where Fay's sister Beckie lived. We chatted about St. Louis. She wondered if I knew her grandfather, Rabbi Kelner (sp?) and I asked her to check with her family about Fay's sister Ann Rose who was a kosher caterer in St. Louis for years.

There is also the elderly lady (very elderly) with the Cleopatra eye make-up. Her husband is a resident and she comes every day to volunteer. She also has an inexhaustible supply of jokes, most of which are shockingly off-color. Yesterday's topper (which I won't repeat) involves a Jewish woman, deviant sexual practices, and an Arab husband. Fay laughed like crazy, and Margie and I laughed at the bizarro situation.

The Care Plan Meeting

Because of the apparent, sudden personality changes that the staff at "Courtland" observed in Fay, I asked them to hold an early care plan meeting which I could attend. They squeezed me in at 10:00 today, 15 minutes earlier than the normal start times for these meetings.

I arrived at the nursing home at 9:50 and was directed to conference room 1A. I assumed that if they had numbered conference rooms there would be several to choose from. In fact, there seems to be only one conference room. So 1A is a better room number than, say, 5B, or 207.

At about 10:00, the team arrived. Glenora, the social worker, conducted the meeting. She started by asking Bonita, the nurse in charge of this unit, for her observations and assessments. It seems that Fay does sometimes act abusively to staff and residents. But the behavior is transient and she usually becomes pleasant again quickly. All the staff are trained in dealing with patients with dementia, so they know not to associate this behavior with the patient, but with the disease. Bonita reported that the psychiatric nurse feels that reducing the dosage of the Alzheimer's drug (Nimenda??) may not be a good idea. I am to check with the nurse practitioner to see if she agrees.

Rachel, the activities director, said that Fay likes to go to activities, although she doesn't participate actively in those that require cognitive activity (like the daily trivia quiz). (Who is surprised by that?) Fay particularly likes the intergenerational programs (which I think means kids singing songs).

Christine, the dietitian, says that Fay's appetite is good. She eats 75% to 100% of each meal. I asked how she feeds herself since she doesn't use her right hand. That fact seemed to surprise everyone. Hmm.

All in all, it was a reassuring meeting. The team seemed to understand the situation well and was prepared to handle Fay's needs.

After the meeting I found Fay waiting with Rebecca for the trivia contest. We left the contest and went back to her room. Fay had her hair done the night before and still had the baloon on her wheel chair from the April birthday party yesterday afternoon.

Sign Of The Times

One of the things that attracted us to the Jewish Convalescent and Nursing Home was the haimish feel of the place. Kosher food, some men wearing kippot, a bima and prayer books set out in the dining room, etc. But times are changing.

Just like the Cedars in St. Louis is losing its Jewish identity (are there a dozen people using the kosher dining room?) so is the Jewish nursing home in Baltimore. We learned this weekend that the home has been renamed Courtland Gardens to reflect the fact that "the demand for long-term care services within the Baltimore-area Jewish community was not sufficient" to support a Jewish-only residency. But, says the notification letter, Jewish residents "will continue to share in the traditions of living a Jewish lifestyle." "One thing is certain," the letter goes on to say, Courtland "will continue to maintain the hightest standards" of care.

Thank goodness for that.